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Homestuck Fics by rainbowninjayoshi

Devious Collection by YaoiFemaleFan-Addict

homestuck by Fiver25


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Submitted on
January 2, 2012
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JOHN: -Playing with a slinky-
KARKAT: WHAT'S THE POINT OF SLINKIES?
JOHN: this..-Takes it and throws out a nearby window.-
JOHN: … :I
KARKAT: WELL… THAT WAS FUCKING POINTLESS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: penguins.
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN PENGUINS?
JOHN: penguins are awesome.
KARKAT: WELL, THAT'S NOTHING NEW TO ME…
JOHN: i wanna poke your face.
KARKAT: ..WHY?
JOHN: it just looks... pokable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: i just realized something in life..
DAVE: what?
JOHN: the school lunches we got in grade-school stick to walls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: the niagara falls is like a toilet.
JADE: no! niagara falls is more like stairs!
DAVE: how is a toilet like stairs?
KARKAT: OH MY GOD….! xD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: this reminds me of that one time when george lopez and paris hilton went skiing down mt. everest but then chuck norris came and pwned them! and all that was left was a pickle...
KARKAT: ....WHAT??!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: HOLY FUCKING POPTARTS ON A POGO STICK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~GRADE-SCHOOL MEMORY~
MRS. CLINE: How about you answer this one, John?
JOHN: i didn't have my hand up!
MRS. CLINE: I know, but you're off in peanut butter land back there!
THE CLASS: -Laughing-
MRS. CLINE: So....?
JOHN: uh...um...24?
MRS. CLINE: You're totally lost, aren't you?
THE CLASS: -In hysterics-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: nachos make me horny.
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL?
JOHN: nachos –He holds up a chip in each hand.- make me horny. -Holds fingers up by his head like devil horns- rawr!! look ima karkat! xDD
KARKAT: ....SHUT THE HELL UP.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: -He leaps after the basketball Dave just sent flying across the courtyard. He slips and falls on the concrete with a harsh smack, and then just lays there.-
DAVE:  oh my god they killed kenny! XD
JOHN: -Points at the ground.- you bastards! DX
DAVE: -Walks up to Karkat.- is he dead? -Pokes Karkat curiously with his foot.- O_O
KARKAT: -Squeaks in pain- ..xAX
JOHN: i think he's dead. ._.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE DAY PEOPLE STOP LISTENING TO JUSTIN BIEBER. HE NEEDS TO BE HIT WITH A BAT.
~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: there's a little bug thats been flying around this room for two days. O_O
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T FUCKING STAB SOMEONE WITH A CIRCLE, JOHN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT!! DONT DO THAT! I THOUGHT I STEPPED ON A FUCKING PIDGEON!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: I WOULD EAT, BUT WHATS THE POINT? THERE ARE NO GOD DAMN POPTARTS. YOU'RE EATING ALL THE FUCKING POPTARTS EGBERT!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DAVE: in grade school i used to make gummy bears do kung fu they were flexible
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: EXCUSE ME, WHERE IS MY SPOON?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: -He's hugging (practically suffocating) Karkat- he's like a puppy or something! isn't petting him addicting???
KARKAT: >8//U FUUUUUU-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JADE: i lost my squishey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: we're all physcotic kittens!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TAVROS: mY BRAIN BOUNCED!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: YOU STOLE MY BENDY STRAW BITCH! >8U
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GAMZEE: I HaD tOnS oF mOtHeR fUcKiN fUn ToDaY.... I pLaYeD wItH rAiNbOwS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: NO JOHN, IF YOU GO DOWN UNDERWATER TOO FAST YOUR HEAD CRUSHES ITSELF. IF YOU GO UP INTO SPACE WITHOUT OXYGEN IT EXPLODES.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ROSE: Rocks taste nasty, John. I do not recomend licking them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TEREZI: 1T M34NS H3 LOV3S H1M W1TH 4LL H1S POT4TO3S.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JADE: whered john go?
KARKAT: I KILLED HIM WITH A Q-TIP AND HE'S ROTTING AWAY SOMEWHERE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: i think you're having a break through.
KARKAT: I'LL FUCKING BREAK THROUGH YOU. >C
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: alright, this is a bunny.
JADE: aww : D
KARKAT: KILL IT WITH FIRE! >8U
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TAVROS: wAIT, -- cAN YOU FLY A PLANE??
VRISKA: No! Go find me a manual!
KARKAT: THIS IS PASSENGER JET, SHITSPONGE. THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A--
KARKAT: 8oys, sh8t the f8ck up and find me a f8cking manual!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DAVE: shit its all old green stuff and fucking squirrels
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: we're splitting up into equal teams.
KARKAT: HOW IS OURS EQUAL? WE HAVE THIS ONE. –He points at Terezi-
TEREZI: 1M BL1ND. NOT US3L3SS.
KARKAT:  HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU THEN?
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1M NOT STUP1D 31TH3R >; P NOW SHUT UP B3FOR3 1 PUSH YOU THROUGH 4 W4LL 4ND L34VE YOU TH3R3.
KARKAT: O_O
~~~~~~~~~~~
ROSE: What we need is a distraction.
GAMZEE: No, WhAt We NeEd Is A mOtHeR fUcKiN mIrAcLe.
KARKAT: -glares at john- DON'T. YOU. DARE.
DAVE: well shit
JOHN: i've always wanted to do this... -Charges out from behind the wall.- lerooooooooooy jeeeeennkiiiinns
CG, TG, TC, GC, GG, TT: ._.
TEREZI: D1D H3 JUST-?
JADE: yes.... yes he did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: what is the best word ever?
ROSE: Babushka.
JADE: ishkabibble.
TEREZI: T1TMOUS3 -Snickers-
DAVE: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
KARKAT: ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM.
JOHN: 0.o
~~~~~~~~~
JADE: karkat what the fuck!!??
KARKAT: SHIT, WRONG WINDOW. WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER'S ROOM?
JADE: -She swings the book she was reading at him.- go away!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: OH, AHAHA! HAHAHA! AHH~ FUCK EVERYONE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: YOU JUST OFFICIALLY BROKE MY BRAIN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: am i in trouble?
KARKAT: NOT AT ALL.
JOHN: really?
KARKAT: HELL NO. YOU'RE FUCKED.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: hey karkat...
KARKAT: HM?
JOHN: butter knife! –He holds up stick of butter with a knife stuck in it, up to the handle- XD
KARKAT: ....
~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: do you think they'd ever re-name the earth?
DAVE: who has that kind of authority?
KARKAT: I SHALL CALL IT "PLANET-DUMBASS" AND IT WILL BE PERFECT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: HOLY MOTHER FUCKING GRANDMA ON A STICK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: hey karkat.
KARKAT: MMF..
JOHN: ...what is in your lap?
KARKAT: IFE CWEM.
JOHN: ice cream? dude that's a full gallon there. you're not seriously eating it all are you?
KARKAT: MHM.
JOHN: ....haha! you're crazy! i love you, you know that?
KARKAT: -He swallows- I'M NOT GIVING YOU MY ICE CREAM.
JOHN: dammit. –Pouting, he walks away-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: FUUUUUUCK I'M SO BOORRRREDDDD.
JADE: we could play a game...
KARKAT: WHAT GAME?
JOHN: zombie apocalypse!
ROSE: ?
KARKAT: HOW DO YOU PLAY?
JOHN: the objects immediately around you are your weapons.
> The four look around, making a pile of objects around them.
ROSE: Let's see...a stapler, a water-bottle, gushers…
JADE: a lint brush.. a pencil, an i-pod, duct tape... and a paper clip.
KARKAT: HELL FUCKING YES! LET'S DO THIS SHIT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: DO THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL RIP OUT YOUR FUCKING LUNGS THROUGH YOUR ARMPITS.
JOHN: a little violent, are we?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SOLLUX: kk you diid all of thiis wrong. how the fuck to you expect me to fiix the2e computer2 iif your calculatiion2 are 2hiit?
KARKAT: QUIET PROFESSOR JERK-FACE! GO EAT A MUFFIN!
SOLLUX: ..... -__-  -Walks away-
KARKAT:..... SORRY, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?
JOHN: ...O.O
~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: it says here the symptoms are nausea, headaches, passing out, hallucinations, and unexplained outbursts of anger.
KARKAT: GUYS! HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FUCKING LAMPS? THEY'RE ON FIRE!
JADE: -She whispers to john, confused- what lamps?
KARKAT: DON'T YOU WHISPER YOU BITCH! TALK TO MY FACE! –He suddenly stops, blinks, and passes out-
JOHN: ...let's find a hospital.
JADE: yeah...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: i'm not going anywhere with you!
KARKAT: WHY NOT?
JOHN: because you are really a moose!
KARKAT: ...WHAT?
JOHN: you cannot fool me with your moosey powers demon moose!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: what're you drawing?
CHIBI KARKAT: A PUPPY.
JOHN: aww-wait, what's that above its head?
CHIBI KARKAT: A WEIGHT.
JOHN: what's that for?
CHIBI KARKAT: TO DROP ON THE PUPPY.
JOHN: ;n;
~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: you already had four cookies, karkat! put that one back!
CHIBI KARKAT: -Hiss-
JOHN: mmmmm >8I
DAVE: -Facepalm- just... let him have the damn cookie...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: do you have the answers to life?
VRISKA: -Shakes her magic 8 ball-........Yes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ERIDAN: alakazoobedoo!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU UP TO?
JOHN: i'm putting mini marshmallows in the microwave!
KARKAT: ....WHAT.
JOHN: and after that i'm putting in a fork!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: HAVE ANY OF YOU NOOKWHIFFS EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE THE DINOSAURS DISAPPEARED BECAUSE THEY TRAVELLED TO THE FUTURE?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHIBI KARKAT: IT.... IT KERSPLODED!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: HOLY FLYING BLUEBERRY FUCKMUFFINS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FEFERI: I can smell the magic of Cupcake Jellyfis)(! 38D
KARKAT: ….WHAT?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GAMZEE: FeAr ThE bAdAsS mOtHeR fUcKiN gIaNt UnIcYcLe Of DeStRuCtIoN!! >: oU
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: can i have a knifegun?
KARKAT: A WHAT?
JOHN: a knifegun. it's a gun you can stab people with.
KARKAT: OH GOD DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL?!? WHY IS THAT EVEN A THING?!??!??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: JOHN...MAKE ME A TOASTER STRUDEL... NOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: STICKS CAN'T BREAK YOUR BONES, EGBERT!
JOHN: have you ever shoved one up your esophagus?
> 5 minutes later
KARKAT: WAIT YOUR ESOPHAGUS ISN'T A BONE, FUCKTARD!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: SWEET BLEEDING JEGUS JOHN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL. I'M NOT DEAF.
JOHN: oh yeah? then how many fingers am i holding up!?
KARKAT: ........-Facepalm x2 combo-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: i'm in a really good mood right now! like.... i just wanna jump up and down and give balloons to old people...
~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: COWS PEE MILK, FUCKASS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: BLOODY FUCKING BISCUITS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: you ok?
KARKAT: -Had fell- MY KNEE IS BURNING LIKE A MIDGET IS FOLLOWING ME WITH A FUCKING BLOWTORCH.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: is that a pirate or a potato?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: I DON'T LIKE STUPID. DON'T BE STUPID. I ONCE PUNCHED SOMEONE FOR BEING STUPID. SO DON'T BE STUPID.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KARKAT: SHIZNIT?
DAVE: its in the dictionary it means to shiz something
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHIBI KARKAT: HOLY FUCK!! JOOOOOHN! THE OVEN'S ON FIRE!
JOHN: what do you mean on fire??!?
CHIBI KARKAT: I MEAN ON FIRE, DICKFART! WANT ME TO SAY IT IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE?!? EL FUEGO.
RANDOM CRAP YAY.
NUMBAH TWO! : [link]

Threw some "Karkat! Chibi Adventures" stuff in there.

That's a little head story I'm kind of working on that I may put out in a little crappy comic thing.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconalsonotmum:
AlsoNotMum Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
HOLY FUCKING POP TARTS ON A POGO STICK!!! I am laughing way to hard and trying not to wake up my younger sister.
Reply
:iconbluefire129:
bluefire129 Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2014  Student General Artist
Yep me and my friends , lerooooooy jeeeeennkiinnsss
Reply
:iconiamthehero2013:
Iamthehero2013 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Basically my convos with my friends except I get hit for cursing
Reply
:icongrand-highboob:
Grand-Highboob Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
THEY KILLED A KENNY KARKAT!!!!!!!!REVENGE!!!!!!!*gets a bazooka and machine gun*
Reply
:iconmoxilladecurtona:
MoxillaDeCurtona Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

holy crap I started voice acting these and I COULDN'T EVEN BREATHE I WAS LITERALLY CHOKING ON THE WORDS FROM LAUGHING!!!

And I'm dead serious right now.

Reply
:iconsilentlove832:
SilentLove832 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
OMFG I LAUGHED FOR 4 MINUTES STRAIGHT SO FRUKIN FUNNEH
Reply
:icongummidinosaur:
GummiDinosaur Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
HELLA YESS ! Me nd my best friends when we get together. );3
Reply
:iconca2ey-captor:
Ca2ey-captor Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
el fuego XD
Reply
:iconroadkill-the-raccoon:
Roadkill-The-Raccoon Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
...I would play the zombie game if I could use the duck tape.
Reply
:iconsilvercrow-kicks-you:
Karkat swears like a brit in this.
Reply
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